Below, we explore the motivations and psychological factors behind enabling behavior. These are all examples of enabler behavior. Giving a family member living with a substance use disorder the money to buy drugs.
Enabling vs. empowerment
When a loved one engages in impulsive or self-destructive behavior, it’s normal to want to help and make things better. It does this by providing compassionate care and evidence-based content that addresses health, treatment, and recovery. The enabler is the person who wants to keep everyone happy. Sometimes it’s a case of continually explaining the absence of a parent who really is out drinking or gambling to excess.
Not following through on consequences
Someone with an enabler personality has a desire to help others, so much so that they would help them even when their behaviors can harm them. While it might feel like you’re helping in the moment, this behavior often makes it harder for the addicted person to change or grow. An enabler, however, might repeatedly call in sick for that loved one at work or make excuses for their behavior, preventing them from facing consequences or taking accountability for their own life. For example, a helper might assist a loved one in finding a therapist or attending support meetings if they’re struggling with mental health or substance use issues.
Lifestyle
There are many support groups like Al-Anon that are intended specifically for family and friends of people addicted to drugs and alcohol. The first thing to do if someone you care about has a problem with drugs or alcohol is to learn more about addiction and the long term effects of drugs. Recognize when this happens and make self-care a priority so you can be there to continue providing support as needed. Spouses and parents sometimes lie and make excuses to other people about their family member having a problem with drugs or alcohol.
You might say, “If you spend this money on anything other than rent, I’m not going to give you any more money.” There may come a time in your relationship when you’ve had enough. This can make it more likely they’ll continue to behave in the same way and keep taking advantage of your help.
Maybe you excuse troubling behavior, lend money, or assist in other ways. Enabling usually refers to patterns that appear in the context of drug or alcohol misuse and addiction. However, many people who enable others don’t do so intentionally. Disconnecting from a loved one is a self-protective measure — and it’s usually a last resort
What Is the Opposite of Enabling Someone?
If you’ve made it this far, you’re in a good place. This is one area where you can offer financial support. Doctors, therapists, and support groups can recommend appropriate treatment programs. This is the time for tough love.
- But even if all you want is to support your loved one, enabling may not contribute to the situation the way you might think it does.
- “The person needs to know that they can no longer manipulate the situation as they’ve done in the past.”
- For example, a parent of an adult child with substance use issues might prepare all their meals, clean their home, and handle their bills, thinking, “If I take care of everything, they won’t spiral further.”
- When a person has a parent who is an enabler, the parent often relies emotionally on the child, which causes them to make excuses for the child or protect them from the consequences of their actions.
Stage an Intervention
Being an enabler doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. If you find yourself instinctually siding with the addicted person at all times, you may be an enabler. Enablers will often blame other people for the person’s bad behavior. If you don’t want to bother or confront an addicted person, you may be enabling them. Worse, consuming drugs or alcohol around that person makes it harder for them to break their addiction. Because you’re close to the person in need, you don’t want to believe they’re doing what they’re doing.
They may focus their time and energy on covering those areas where their loved one may be underperforming. Enabling behaviors can be common in codependent relationships. Motivations for enabling behavior can be complex and multifaceted, often involving a combination of factors.
By downplaying the seriousness of the situation, the enabler avoids facing uncomfortable truths, but this denial only allows the harmful behavior to continue unchecked. For example, a parent might insist, “They’re just going through a rough patch; it’s not that bad,” even as their child’s substance use becomes more obvious. While the intention is to help, this behavior allows the harmful cycle to continue and can lead to burnout for the caretaker. For example, a parent of an adult child with substance use issues might prepare all their meals, clean their home, and handle their bills, thinking, “If I take care of everything, they won’t spiral further.” A person who engages in caretaking enabling provides constant care to another person in hopes that they can protect that person from harm.
Enabling Emotional and Psychological Dependencies
“Enabling happens when you see a loved one making unhealthy life choices, so you assume the role of problem solver. The difference is that enabling takes helping to an extreme. That kind of thing happens sometimes, and it’s probably OK. Or that it’s necessarily problematic to help an adult child pay an overdue bill here or there. There’s nothing wrong with helping others from time to time. That can be things like giving money to an adult child who hasn’t spent theirs wisely.
Avoiding conflict
- When worried about the consequences of a loved one’s actions, it’s only natural to want to help them out by protecting them from those consequences.
- The difference is that enabling takes helping to an extreme.
- For example, a parent might repeatedly do their teenage child’s homework for them, thinking, “If I don’t help, they’ll fail their class and fall behind.”
Instead of focusing on what you feel you did wrong, identifying concrete behaviors that might have excused your loved one’s actions could help. This may allow the unhealthy behavior to continue, even if you believe a conflict-free environment will help the other person. When someone you care about engages in unhealthy behavior, it can be natural to make excuses for them or cover up their actions as a way to protect them. In this case, an enabler is a person who often takes responsibility for their loved one’s actions and emotions. The term “enabler” refers to someone who persistently behaves in enabling ways, justifying or indirectly supporting someone else’s potentially harmful behavior.
Advocate for addiction treatment8. Learn about addiction2. Recognizing the signs of being an enabler is important to stop it before it goes too far. Resenting the person or problem This may be necessary because they are unable or unwilling to meet the needs of their personal obligations.
Enablers often act out of love, guilt, or fear of losing the relationship, but this behavior creates unhealthy patterns. Generational trauma is one example—patterns like “family always takes care of each other” can be passed down in ways that discourage healthy boundaries or accountability. Many enablers grow up in situations where they feel responsible for keeping the peace, solving problems, or making others happy.
While the parent’s intentions come from a place of love and protection, their actions unintentionally enable the child to avoid responsibility for their choices. The young adult spends their money on drugs or alcohol, and when they can’t pay their rent, the parent steps in to cover it. For example, imagine a parent whose adult child is struggling with substance use. Without setting healthy boundaries, these patterns can prevent both people from growing and lead to frustration, resentment, and burnout. They might think, “If I don’t step in, everything will fall apart,” but this mindset keeps them stuck in a cycle of overgiving while the other person avoids responsibility.
For example, a partner might agree to buy alcohol for someone struggling with drinking, thinking, “If I don’t do it, they’ll get angry or find a way to get it anyway.” This often stems from a desire to keep the peace, diffuse tension, or avoid conflict, even though it continues unhealthy situations. This stage is often rooted in fear, guilt, or a desire to avoid conflict, and it prevents both the enabler and the other person from addressing the issue. Instead of learning to budget or manage their finances, the person becomes reliant on the rescuer, continuing the problem and creating an unhealthy dynamic. For example, a friend might repeatedly loan money to someone who overspends, thinking, “If I don’t help, they’ll be in serious trouble.”
Sometimes we want to make sacrifices for the people we care about. Do you lack time for your work, self-care, or other relationships since you’re doing more at home? Minimizing the issue implies to your loved one that they can continue to treat what does being an enabler mean you similarly with no consequences.